Starting pre school, school, a new school, or high school?
Here are 12 tips to set your child up for success from Madhavi Parker CEO of Positive Minds Australia.
Starting something new is both an exciting and nerve wracking time for children and parents alike. Here are a handful of ways you can help your child make the most of this new experience, coming out more skilled, confident and resilient.
1. Let them have their feelings. Most children experience mixed feelings about starting pre school, school and high school. When their feelings are acknowledged, they can get the most out of this new phase in their life. If they are nervous, acknowledge it and hear them out.
Understanding comments like, ‘it completely makes sense why you feel that way,’ and ‘other children get that feeling too,’ helps them relax, normalise and accept the feelings so they can move on to problem solving and social emotional growth.
2. For the little ones, start a goodbye ritual before starting pre school and school, that you can use once they start, to keep farewells consistent and familiar. The ritual might be a special hug, handshake or saying that signals, ‘bye for now!’ Predictability reduces anxiety.
3. Be prepared for separation anxiety. Sometimes it’s there from the start, at other times it surprises you down the track when the novelty loses its momentum. It’s very normal for young children to struggle departing from people they love. You’re their secure base, the person who makes everything better, the one whose been there through thick and thin right from the start.
When they are sad about separating, acknowledge this tough and even frightening feeling. Name their feelings and empathise with comments like, ‘you’re sad, you want me to stay. I understand.’ The more you respond in an empathetic way, the sooner they’ll move through this feeling. Try not to rush it or show your own anxiety.
Next, draw your child’s attention to the next point of connection. Just like we often say, ‘let’s catch up soon’ to friends we are saying goodbye to, children are comforted by knowing they’ll see you again soon too. Comments like, ‘I can’t wait to hear all about your day when we go bike riding tonight’ and ‘I’ll be waiting by the rock ready to play eye spy,’ help them see ahead to the next time they see you which can be very calming. Then make that goodbye short, sharp and shiny. Be confident in leaving.
For older children with anxiety, it’s important to seek help for them, so they can manage their anxiety and rebuild their confidence. Teachers are a great place to start for advice in this area.
4. Encourage independence at preschool/ school drop off. Let them carry their bags and unpack their belongings. If they don’t know what to do ask questions like, ‘where could we find out the answer?’ Or help them ask a teacher/ another student for help. These self help skills are vital for developing independence and feeling connected as active participants in their kindy/ school. If you do too much for them, they can feel helpless and dependent which effects how well they participate in their new environment.
5. Try and be punctual. This is never easy, no matter how prepared you are. Children are unpredictable and any small thing can set you back. Be willing to wake up earlier than your children and to wake them up early too. If you’re always fifteen minutes late then you might need to wake up fifteen minutes earlier.
Focusing on punctuality is an important life skill and manner. It tells the teacher and the class, ‘you’re important and so is your time.’ Keeping people waiting says, ‘other things mattered more.’ While everyone gets late sometimes, and it’s really hard to be on time when you’re raising a family, it’s a good one to aim for. Being late most days can be very unsettling for children.
Help your child understand why punctuality is important and ask them if they have any ideas about how to get to school on time. Try ideas out until you get closer to your goal while helping them build self awareness about what distracts and slows them down.
And it’s okay if you find this tough - all families are different and have their own very good reasons for being late.
6. Make a visual schedule/ checklist of what to do to be ready for school. You can laminate picture cards for all the necessary steps (brush teeth, uniform on, readers in bag, shoes, pack lunch, breakfast, hair and so on). You can place each step on a Velcro dot and when each step is completed they can pull it off and ‘post’ in an envelope below. The beauty of these schedules is they not only build independence but the schedule becomes the ‘boss’ rather than you. When your child is floating around aimlessly you can ask, ‘what’s next on your checklist’ rather than dishing out another instruction they probably won’t listen to! You can also make these with a whiteboard where they tick everything off.
7. If they are upset after school about a friend/ teacher, listen but don’t jump in too quick. When children are young (and un their teens), they tend to globalise and magnify negative events. They might say, ‘everyone at my school is mean’ or, ‘I have the worst teacher in the world.’ While it’s important to hear them out and acknowledge their feelings, try not to get involved or add your own commentary which can make things much worse in the long run. If they keep repeating a problem or are anxious about going to school make a time to talk to their teacher to see if you can find out more.
8. Try to support them through rather than fix their challenges. Don’t jump in to drop a forgotten hat so they don’t miss out on lunch play. If they forget their hat, they can let the teacher know or experience play in shaded areas that day. If you rescue them from challenges like this, they can develop a sense of entitlement that isn’t reasonable and and can miss opportunities to build coping skills when things don’t go as planned.
9. Offer a transitional object in their bag if they find separation hard. A piece of your jewellery/ clothing/ a photo/ a special crystal ‘full of our love’ are all examples of an object connecting you to them when separating.
10. Talk about school routines and rules ahead of time so there are fewer surprises. For example some children don’t know you need permission to go to the toilet during class...or that teachers get unhappy if you talk / muck around during learning time. Guide them to show respect their teacher, who is working hard to guide their learning. Rules are usually designed to keep everyone safe and free to learn. Boundaries are important.
11. If you’re not happy with the teacher/ school don’t openly discuss this with your child. Your lost confidence in anyone or the school will almost certainly mean their lost confidence, and potentially the start of stress and anxiety around schooling. Also remember to give it time. Starting kindy and school (or a new school) means getting to know lots of new adults. Few of them will bring the same sense of comfort and joy as a parent or other familiar adults. Most children take some time to adjust to and accept their new teachers. Help them through by reminding them they don’t need to like their teacher immediately and that teachers are there to help and support them.
12. Consider a family calendar so everyone knows what’s happening each day. Library days, sports practice, special events, who will do pick up / drop off can all be recorded here to keep everything predictable and organised.
Finally, as always, follow your own intuition about what your child needs to feel confident and prepared. These tips aren’t written to be prescriptive, they offer a framework to build your own approach from.
Free resources here https://positivemindsaustralia.com.au/free-resources/
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